Why Waiting for the Lightning Bolt Could Cost You the Right Person
Notes From the Matchmaker - Podcast Episode 4
When did we start believing that love has to hit like a lightning bolt?
We didn't come up with it ourselves. We were taught it. Movies. Romance novels. Reality TV. The story is always the same. Two people lock eyes, something clicks, and they just know.
The lesson we take from it is simple. If you don't feel it instantly, it isn't there. And it never will be.
That lesson is wrong.
I'm not saying instant attraction isn't real
We have all felt it. You meet someone and your body takes notice. You can't stop thinking about them. You can't wait to see them again. It feels like a sign.
Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.
Here is what I have seen over and over, in life and in this work. The people who struggle most to find a lasting relationship don't lack chemistry. They have decided chemistry is the whole story.
Lightning bolts are also how things catch fire. And fire needs oxygen to last.
The love of my life didn't arrive with a bang
He was in my university classes. He got to know me quietly. He watched how I handled myself in class and at social events. There was no drama. No grand gestures. For two months he engaged my mind and my friendship.
Then, at my surprise birthday party, he leaned in and gave me a goodnight kiss that changed everything. I swooned. I am not a swooner. Ever.
The chemistry was real. It was profound. But it didn't announce itself on day one. It arrived after real attention had already been paid.
He didn't love bomb me. He saw me.
The second time, it grew from respect
Years later, a friend and colleague finally asked me out. Was there chemistry at the start? No. There was liking and respect.
Then something shifted. Nothing dramatic happened. The foundation was simply already there. His mind and his sense of humour became attractive to me. Now those things are downright sexy to me.
Chemistry built on real knowing doesn't burn out. It deepens.
What to look for instead
Think about the people you walked away from because the spark wasn't there on date one. Were any of them good for you?
Looks change. What we want from life changes. Every spark settles into something steadier eventually. What matters is what's still standing when it does.
Look for:
The person you can disagree with without the relationship feeling fragile
The person whose values show up the same way yours do when life gets hard
The person who has your back and catches you before you fall
The person you can be yourself with, not only on your most attractive day
Chemistry gets you to the bedroom. Compatibility decides whether you're happy in it and out of it.
How I match
At Wayward Hearts, photos are never shared between members. I don't match on first impressions. I match on values, genuine interest and the things that predict whether two people can build something real.
Sometimes members feel it immediately. Sometimes it takes a second or third conversation. Both are valid.
My job isn't to create sparks. My job is to introduce two people who have every reason to like each other. What happens after that is up to them. Sometimes it surprises everyone.
🎧 Listen to Episode 4 of Notes from the Matchmaker, Chemistry Is Not a Lightning Bolt, on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.