You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't bother denying it.
You show up to a first date with a mental checklist. Good job? Wants kids? What do they drive? Where do they live? What are their politics?
You aren't having a conversation. You're conducting an interview. And the person across the table can feel it.
Auditions create performances
When you audition someone, you signal there's a right answer and a wrong one. So what do people do? They perform. They give you the answer they think you want to hear.
Now you're two people performing for each other and calling it a date.
If you're busy deciding whether someone meets your list, you won't find out who they really are.
Where the audition comes from
In Episode 3, I talked about the list. Auditioning is that list in action.
Here's the problem. That list was built entirely in your head, by you, alone. It came from past relationships, cultural conditioning and what you think you should want. It has never met a real human being. And no real human being will ever measure up to it.
Real people are more complicated and more interesting than any list. That's where connection lives.
The list protects you from being surprised. But being surprised is exactly how you find someone worth having a relationship with.
Now sit on the other side of the table
You've probably been auditioned yourself.
The questions felt like filling out a form. You could feel yourself being evaluated. Did you feel seen? Did you relax? Did you feel like yourself?
Or did you catch yourself giving slightly better answers than the true ones, deciding in real time which version of you was most likely to pass?
That's what you do to the people you date every time you show up with a checklist instead of curiosity.
Curiosity and good conversation get you a second date. Checking boxes sends you home alone, wondering why nobody measures up.
What to do instead
Drop the list. Be curious about who they actually are.
What lights them up
What they're proud of
What they've changed their mind about
What they're still figuring out
Ask one question that matters to you. Then sit back and listen, without planning your next question while they're still talking. Ask follow-ups so you understand what they're telling you about themselves.
Notice the rest too. How do they treat the server? What makes them laugh? Do you feel comfortable being yourself, or are you performing too?
Those observations will tell you more in two hours than any checklist ever could.
The best first dates aren't interviews. They're conversations where you both forget to be nervous because you're too busy being interested in each other.
The matchmaker view
When I introduce two people, I've already done the compatibility work. I match on values, interests, beliefs, approach to life and what each person needs in a relationship. The foundation is already there.
So I tell every member the same thing before an introduction. Don't audition. Don't interview. Just show up. Be curious about the person across from you. Remember they're nervous too. Give each other some slack.
Not everyone feels a connection right away. Sometimes it takes a second conversation. But the people who show up curious almost always want to meet again.
Your only job on a first date is to be a human being meeting another human being. Try that for a change.
🎧Listen to Episode 6 of Notes from the Matchmaker, Stop Auditioning Your Dates, on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Then go back to Episode 3, Let's Talk About Your List